You can guess the end of the sentence; I am not the prettiest of them all. People are often surprised I don’t own a mirror other than the bathroom one I don’t look into. So, it’s not a wild guess to surmise that I am not a fan of seeing myself on video. I had the cool experience of being part of a poetry slam that was filmed for local TV and internet. It was a great experience in person but seeing it on my computer made me feel sick. You see, I have a form of body dysmorphia disorder. It’s official. I took a test on the internet and checked off all the boxes except for skin picking. I had acne at 10 and my mother had screamed, “Don’t touch your face” too many times for me to go there. I know where my physical flaws lie and don’t want to go there, but I went there. I wanted to see if my poetry was a hit. The video hit me, and not in a good way. My appearance was stunning, and not in a good way. To be fair, I had a series of mishaps while getting ready. The dress I was supposed to wear had a stain and no cleaners in my town has a one hour service. Heck, we don’t even have a three-day service, so I was forced to wear a dress and sweater that was a teeny bit tight, and no way was I going to not wear a sweater. Women over fifty,sixty and seventy, you know what I mean.
Then there was the hair. If you read my post about my financial situation, you know I had to face the indignity of my partner coloring my hair with drugstore product; not that there’s anything wrong with that. Ok, there’s a lot wrong with that. For one, it didn’t work. It was weak and the color was brassy. Then I bought a pair of what I thought would be invisible glasses from the drugstore; well they weren’t so invisible and with my torn cornea and weak glasses I could barely read the poetry I had memorized but didn’t feel confident enough to perform without a paper and glasses covering my face. And there were other flaws I don’t want to go into now or ever. People question me because the title of my book is “Agoraphobia to Zen” I like to say Zen is a process of living in the present and presently I’m having a body dysmorphic moment.
I learned not to mess with mirrors a long time ago when an unfortunate encounter with a magnifying mirror almost pushed me over the edge. It was in Brookstone’s and I stayed with that mirror for longer than the old man next to me sat in the test drive massage chair; read long. I learned later, no one should own a magnifying mirror because it is not how you really look. It is frickin magnified. It is how you look in your own mind if you have the disorder above. I went further than just not looking into mirrors, I cleared my house of any and all mirrors.
I don’t think I have body dysmorphic disorder because the flaws I have are not minor and were pointed out to me in detail by my mother ad nauseam.
eg: Mother: M you look pretty today. Me: I do? Mother:. Pretty ugly that is, ha ha ha!
She was proved correct when bullies at school pointed out the same defects and joined the chorus of my mother’s “constructive criticism.” By the way, there is no criticism that is constructive if you are screaming, name calling or swearing. Maybe we shouldn’t criticize anyone at all. I don’t.
Back to the poetry slam which was my recent encounter with my appearance. My dedicated partner Jackson said I looked fine, and my best friend agreed, but when the computer froze on my open mouth, I felt the self-hatred that had formerly tried to destroy me, well up again. The good thing is after the 15th or 100th viewing, I was able to see past the inside mirror and childhood tapes; and could only see the vision of a woman who overcame trauma and abuse and came out on top. I am now able to see my inside which is beautiful in a spiritual way, more important than mere looks.
If you want to check out our poetry slam it’s on YouTube and my blog which is linked in the description box. I welcome comments on my poetry or the slam, but please don’t ask me to look in a mirror. I’m just not ready yet.
Posted in agoraphobia, body dysmorphic disorder, healing from anxiety and agoraphobia, Poetry slams | Tags: abuse, anxiety, author healing humor, physical flaws, poetry slam
According to the Mayo Clinic, the definition of body dysmorphic disorder is
Body dysmorphic disorder is a type of chronic mental illness in which you can’t stop thinking about a flaw with your appearance — a flaw that is either minor or imagined. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful that you don’t want to be seen by anyone. Body dysmorphic disorder has sometimes been called “imagined ugliness.”
When you have body dysmorphic disorder, you intensely obsess over your appearance and body image, often for many hours a day. You may seek out numerous cosmetic procedures to try to “fix” your perceived flaws, but never will be satisfied. Body dysmorphic disorder is also known as dysmorphophobia, the fear of having a deformity.
Preoccupation with your physical appearance
Strong belief that you have an abnormality or defect in your appearance that makes you ugly
Frequent examination of yourself in the mirror or, conversely, avoidance of mirrors altogether
Belief that others take special notice of your appearance in a negative way
The need to seek reassurance about your appearance from others
Frequent cosmetic procedures with little satisfaction
Excessive grooming, such as hair plucking
Extreme self-consciousness
Refusal to appear in pictures
Skin picking
Comparison of your appearance with that of others
Avoidance of social situations
The need to wear excessive makeup or clothing to camouflage perceived flaws
The risk factors are
Childhood teasing
Low self-esteem
Societal pressure or expectations of beauty
Having another psychiatric disorder, such as anxiety or depression
Having this disorder is part of who I am, part of my anxiety disorder, but I don’t give up ever. Aloha