What I hate most about agoraphobia is the suddenness of it. One day you are fine, promoting your memoir, watching the “Biggest loser’ and then bam! it hits you. You don’t, can’t leave the house. You wake up with a feeling of doom that someone or something will make you leave the house and you are eating walnuts like “crazy” oops bad word.
Ok, so I have to wash my hair. I do not shower, ever. I bathe, so I wash my hair in my sink, no not the kitchen sink, the washing machine sink. I have to stick my head in and lather it and then keep it in and rinse it and then I have to condition the damn thing. Why oh why does this strike fear in me? Is it because it means I will have to leave my house. Why does that scare me. Did I say I have agoraphobia. There has been a discussion on one of the mental health sites that I follow. What really is agoraphobia? Is it fear of the marketplace. I love the marketplace. That’s where I get my walnuts. I love people. ok, not all people– but I love some people. I also love the outdoors; as long as I don’t have to go outdoors to love it. In my mind I am a hiker. Have I ever hiked? Well, I went up Diamond Head but even kids in slippers were on that hike. I hiked once in resort and I fell, but I fall all the time anyway. I love the sunset but I can see the sunset from my house , really! I do go out to see the sunset with my man but he drives so the outdoors kind of comes to me, which brings me back to the topic. What is agoraphobia?
I don’t agree it is caused by panic attacks only. Yes, I did have panic attacks. I don’t have them anymore but that fear of getting ready to go out is still there. Yes, I’ve got it, it is a fear of getting ready. I was always told I was less than luscious so getting ready is getting ready to be judged on my looks. My hair used to be my shining glory. It was long and thick. Now it is think and stringy. I hear my mother’s tapes in my head when I’m getting ready. Wash your face Marilyn hotter, hotter. I dread showing that face in public.
Recently my dermatologist told my daughter I was pretty. She says.”Who says pretty? ” No one says that anymore and I think maybe the doctor was kidding but no he wasn’t. Did my daughter think if he thinks I am pretty it means she isn’t. She is I am pretty, if I can just wash my hair and get out you might think so too.