Posted by: marilynmendoza | November 3, 2011

Agoraphobia –second round not a knockout


 This is war!  you fooled me again. Did I become a bit too cocky and self-assured? Did I brag about my Zen like healing  Did you feel dismissed, discarded, disrespected?  Were you disappearing like the melted wicked witch of Oz? Did you declare your disagreement with my delight with life.

 I know you were in bed with me the night before last. We have a strange relationship. We acted out our SM relationship; my heart beating so hard I thought it would explode.  I am your whore and you are the john who can’t get it up so  blames  me, your kept   I stayed awake and listened to your complaints, your abuse but I was not knocked out. The next morning I got up and though I was  surprised to be alive, I left my house, my cave, my prison, my refuge and took a bus to show that I control this situation, not you, Yes, my mouth felt like cotton and there was a weariness that  almost brought me to my knees but still I fight. My tool box that usually  holds at least one effective  weapon against you turned into an impotent bag of tricks. When I finally fall asleep, why do I wake up with nightmares that would scare The Brothers Grimm, more gruesome  than they could make up?. Why does simple chores like getting out-of-doors feel like torture?

 I only know today is another day and I arm myself with the sword of truth and  I will slay the agoramonster ot live trying.

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Responses

  1. I don’t understand how you could eloquently state what I can’t. This is me, right down to the bus, where I not only face my fear of going outdoors, but my fears of being touched. A person sits down next to me, and though they have know idea, I just screamed. Their backpack grazes me as they settle in, and I pray no notices my body trembling; my mind is racing, I am looking for another seat. Today, I have to go to work, I just have to.
    So, thank you for describing what I feel, that thing I hate yet need

    Alys

    • Thank you Alys. Agoraphobia is so hard. I also hate to be touched by strangers. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I always wondered why I felt that when I am a hugger with people I want to touch. But when a stranger touches me I wince. I am with you and I know you will be brave and kick the agorapmonster in the butt. I will be thinking of you aloha


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