I have just filled my last box of stuff to give to the Kidney Foundation and now they officially have more of my stuff than I do. I didn’t have much stuff to give away. I find it easy to give things away and I only go shopping once a year. Well, outside of my house that is. You see, I have agoraphobia. That is the title of the memoir I wrote and the life that I lived. It means you are too scared to leave your house. I am healing from anxiety but I do most of my miniscule shopping online and once a year I go to the mall. But I have another problem and it isn’t the agoraphobia anymore. Yes, I am looking for work to be done at home preferabley at night. I also don’t like mornings and it takes me so long to get out of my house so I’m looking for night work, hopefully legal, but my problem is paper; particularly magazines.
I am a sucker for the Publisher’s Clearing House, not because I think I’ll win a million bucks but because I can’t say no to the magazine offers; all those shiny stickers and dubious savings. My former therapist once told me if I read said magazines, it is not an addiction. I read them. I touch them. I love them. I have my favorites and that changes with my age, health and current interests. In my 20’s when Cosmopolitan magazine was a good magazine with Helen Gurly Brown as the editor, I was enthralled. I collected Cosmo covers and covered my bathroom wall with them. Today, they would go inside the toilet along with their hints about giving my man the best orgasm of his life. I already know that from the older better written version of the original Cosmo. Now I have better magazines to choose from. I will confess my addiction to Prevention, Health, and occasionally when I’m feeling young and rich. Vogue. I was never really a Vogue reader. I always felt it was not for women of Latina proportions and limited incomes. I just liked looking at the glossy photos of clothes that wouldn’t look good on me and lifestyles that didn’t reflect my then” Latin from Manhattan” salsa disco life.
But I digress, my problem is not being able to throw magazines away. I tried cutting articles out but always lost them or found them in the bottom of some kitchen drawer, greasy and cluttering my small casa. I tried giving them away but truthfully, who wants a magazine that has been read to death and looks it. I tried to find a group that has this problem but all I find are hoarders and I don’t collect and forget. I collect and read, and read and touch and learn stuff like how to give men orgasms, just kidding, well that’s my excuse anyway. Maybe I am a hoarder. I watch the TV show (which my bf says is human misery of the worst sort) with a bizarre fascination. What? you would rather wear diapers and throw them in the bathroom, then fix your toilet? You eat pizza and throw the greasy box near the tiny area where you sleep? Hey, I’m not judging but doing that would frighten me because my rat phobia is stronger than my magazine addiction. Part of me thinks that watching Hoarders helps me from going there with my magazines. In my vivid imagination, I can see myself sleeping on top of a mound of magazines with an organic bread pudding from Whole Food, or my new fave -cashews crusted with maple syrup, yum, but again I digress. I’m not talking about my food addiction. I’m talking about my magazine collection.
Magazines are in trouble right now. Just yesterday Oprah, well not in person, made me an offer I couldn’t refuse -one year for 12 dollars. and 2 years for 20. for her magazine. I am taking the one year because I’m not sure she will be around in two. I don’t mean the person Oprah, she is doing fine. In fact I heard she might be opening an organic farm near me in Hawaii if her OWN network is cancelled. But the magazine or any magazines might not be around in two years. That’s sad. I am not addicted to Oprah, either the magazine or any of her shows. In my eyes, her gurus have clay feet. She is swayed by personalities that don’t appeal to me; like Dr. Phil or Suze Orman I k;now I can’t afford it b…tch don’t remind me. I even got a scary feeling about Marianne Williamson and don’t know why However, I have learned to trust my instincts and intuition so I was never hooked on “O’ magazine. But hey, they have a life coach I like and well, I like to look at the stuff Oprah and her readers can afford and well, 12 dollars. That’s a deal! So, I gave into my addiction to hoarding magazines; even ones that I don’t totally agree with and sent in the offer that said I was special. Who knows maybe Oprah will have an answer for my magazine problem. But somehow I don’t think there will be an article in her magazine telling me to stop magazine collecting. After all she’s not stupid.